Follow-up on RE appointment

Well, it was interesting. As far as medical information and knowledge, it was a complete waste of time for DH and I. We knew all the basic information they presented. What totally blew me out of the water was that many other other couples in the room had no idea what the nurse was talking about. She even had to pass around an OPK to educate people in the room. DH and I just looked at each other like "You've got to be kidding me."

Thankfully, I still felt like we were given individualized treatment. Our packet was missing some paperwork that everyone else's had...because we have already completed about half of the testing the RE requires to get started. It made me feel good that my OB had started us on this road and that the staff of the RE had taken the time to make sure and check. However, it was also shocking to realize that no one else in the room had gone through any preliminary testing.

So now we wait a little longer, until I'm in the right part of my cycle for a little more blood work and an HSG (which I'm terrified about). However, my body, as always, likes to through a curve ball at me every month, and I haven't ovulated. Ah, the saga continues.

RE tomorrow

First RE appointment is tomorrow. A two hour introductory appointment with about 15 other couples.

Even though I know we will simply be talking and getting information, I'm still nervous.

When...

When is life going to stop crapping on me?

DH's grandmother dies, then he gets the flu.

Our friends are being self-absorbed and rude.

I'm apparently failing to ovulate this cycle.

And of course, there is the ever present concept of IF in general.

When is it my turn for life to be better?? Cause I don't know how much more patience and understand I have left.

Update

Not much to say really, but I don't like going more than a few days without posting something.

DH's grandma's funeral is tomorrow morning. It's a graveside service...I've never been to one of those before, so I'm not sure how I will react.

It's seems kind of ironic that I am only a day or two away from ovulating but tomorrow we're putting someone to rest. It seems so cyclical. Someone passes on but someone else has the chance at starting new life (even if it is a small chance). What a kicker that would be...to get pregnant this cycle. It would almost seem like a gift to the family to help fill the recent void.

See, but now I'm getting too hopeful, which is always a bad sign.

I'm growing

I was able to do something today that I have not done before.

I was able to be extremely happy for someone when they became pregnant. I mean really, truly, smiley, tell my husband about it kind of happy...for the first time since this IF journey.

Also, CBEFM gave me a high today, so ovulation is imminent.

In the world of IF, today is a good day.

Feeling better

Today is better. Conferences are over and we were able to go home early to start the three day weekend. DH was out fishing all day into the early evening, but I was fine with that. I feel uplifted for an unknown reason. Maybe its that nice calm feeling after a day of storm.

Chart-wise, I have no freakin' clue what is going on. If you were to look at it, it would almost appear that I ovulated on CD 8 or 9, which I'm hoping is not the case. It has NEVER been that early before, so lets just hope today's temp. was a fluke.

Here's the link if you want to stalk. My chart.

Sometimes life just sucks

We had an extremely tense staff meeting this morning that ruffled a lot of feathers.

At conferences, a parent threatened bodily harm on one of our staff.

Later on, another parent decides to tell me how her current unwanted pregnancy almost ruined her marriage (in front of her other child, no less).

After work, my DH calls to come to the convalescent home because his grandmother is on the verge of death.

Does it just say whammy on my forehead or something?

RE appointment

The RE called the house today (for the first time!!!) and left a message. We have a group orientation on the 2oth. Emotions are mixed. I'm excited that we're moving forward and incredibly nervous at the same time. I want to meet others who face the same struggles we do, but that seems strange too. I am extremely happy that our appointment is so soon. I was afraid they would get our paperwork and we would have to wait a month or so for an appointment.

I still kind of have that empty feeling I talked about before, where I just don't seem to feel anything. Still not sure what that is.

We're having parent/teacher conferences this week which just reminds me even more how badly I want to have my own child to go to conferences for. My students are like my children, but in such a limited way.

I want a baby.

Dream

Last night I had weird dreams related to IF. I can remember being in some kind of surgical room imagining that I was having some kind of egg retrieval. I remember the nurse saying I had fifty eggs!! (wishful thinking, I know). I was strange. I think at some point I dreamt that I had just found out we were pregnant. I've had those types of dreams before, but not since about nine months into our journey.

If I examine my feelings today, there really aren't any. I'm not anxious, I'm not depressed, hopeful, anything really. It's not an empty feeling, it's just there are no feelings there. I don't know if I'm repressing something or that I worked out all of those feelings in my dreams.

I do feel one thing, and that is frustration. I find myself ovulating the last few months with last month having some awesome timing, and yet nothing comes of it. It's so freakin' frustrating!!! The clinic received our paperwork on Wednesday and it's torture waiting for them to call to make an appointment.

I've done everything I can and now I'm forced to wait on others, who I feel certain do not take this as seriously as I do.

Decision

I'm not sure why it took me so long to create one of these. I had thought for awhile that I might want to record this IF journey so that when my children ask about it, I will be able to recall glowing and bright details. Then, the thought of being childless squelched that for awhile. I've decided I need an outlet for my frustration, fear and fading hope.

I know that I am better off than so many others and yet that doesn't seem to make me feel any better or feel "lucky" to not share some of the sadder and less-likely stories I've encountered. This makes me feel bad or over dramatic. Like I should suck it up, because "it could always be worse." I don't know how to combat that feeling.

I also feel like this may be a cry for attention, even if it is from people whom I will never meet or even talk to. I want attention, but anonymously. I don't want attention from those whom I work with or am even good friends with. I vacillate constantly about which people, if anyone, should know. I'm afraid...I'm afraid that they will not take this as seriously as I do, and if they don't that means that I'm just being silly about the whole thing. I don't know how to cope.

Maybe this is me, coping. Maybe writing is supposed to be my outlet. My friend in this storm. That seems sad, too.

But whatever this is...here I am.