Decision

I'm not sure why it took me so long to create one of these. I had thought for awhile that I might want to record this IF journey so that when my children ask about it, I will be able to recall glowing and bright details. Then, the thought of being childless squelched that for awhile. I've decided I need an outlet for my frustration, fear and fading hope.

I know that I am better off than so many others and yet that doesn't seem to make me feel any better or feel "lucky" to not share some of the sadder and less-likely stories I've encountered. This makes me feel bad or over dramatic. Like I should suck it up, because "it could always be worse." I don't know how to combat that feeling.

I also feel like this may be a cry for attention, even if it is from people whom I will never meet or even talk to. I want attention, but anonymously. I don't want attention from those whom I work with or am even good friends with. I vacillate constantly about which people, if anyone, should know. I'm afraid...I'm afraid that they will not take this as seriously as I do, and if they don't that means that I'm just being silly about the whole thing. I don't know how to cope.

Maybe this is me, coping. Maybe writing is supposed to be my outlet. My friend in this storm. That seems sad, too.

But whatever this is...here I am.