The un-reality of television

We were watching Fraiser on the Tivo and came across the episode where Niles and Daphne decide to start trying. Niles tells her that he might have another child because he once donated at a sperm bank. When he goes to the sperm bank, he finds that his sample was discarded due to extremely low motility.

That evening he tells Daphne that they may not be able to conceive a child. She's all okay with it and says that there are lots of things medicine can do for infertile couples (way to optimistic and easygoing of a response, but this is not my issue). She then pulls out an OPK and tells Niles that she's ovulating. On their way up the stairs, Niles realizes that she took an HPT instead of an OPK and they're pregnant.

Yeah right.

Whatever.

General Update

Well, the spotting I experienced was not implantation spotting (which I knew was the case) because my progesterone is only 0.7, which means no ovulation has taken place. My monitor told me I didn't ovulate either, but since I didn't temp this month, it was nice to have medical proof.

Our next appointment is Jan. 14th. I'll have an internal ultrasound and then the doctor will discuss with DH and I our treatment options.



Christmas was good. My parents were very generous with the presents to DH and myself. This weekend we go out of town to pick up DH's Christmas present from me, a camping trailer for us to use as the new camping season approaches. Once we get it home and set up, I will post some pictures. This evening we pick up my present...a new office chair so I can sit in ultimate comfort while surfin' the web.



Late Merry Christmas to all those who read my thougts.

Too Optimistic

I had posted a little while ago about spotting. Well, after about three days of really super light, brown spotting, it's gone.

This is a problem because now it has kindled hope for this cycle. I don't need that kind of hope. I don't need that "maybe I'm pregnant" thought that keeps sneaking into my head.

I never got a peak on my monitor, so I have no reason to expect that I ovulated at all this cycle, and yet a few days of spotting and I'm already wondering.

I need to squelch this feeling, because it will only lead to disappointment.




On a good note, last of blood work was drawn this morning (I think we're up to vial 14 now) and we have our diagnosis and treatment appointment on January 14th. Which means by February we should be on a medicated/medical intervention cycle.


2008 is our year...at least I certainly hope it is.

Sobering thought

We were leaving Target this evening, when I had a realization.

I thought to myself "Maybe we'll be pregnant by next Christmas"



And then I realized I thought the same thing last Christmas...

I feel broken.

Spotting

I'm spotting and I don't know why.

This is only CD 19, there should be nothing going on. Well, I haven't ovulated this cycle and probably won't, just like last cycle. I'm not ovulating right this second, because the monitor gave me my ninth high today, but no peak (which tells me from my cycle history I'm not going to ovulate this month).

I hate crap like this because then I get that little voice in my head that says..."what if you did ovulate on like cd 11 and this is implantation spotting" Like I need feckin' hope like that.

Just when you think you've come to terms with a cycle, something else has to come in just to screw with your head.

Craptastic.

Need a friend

I need a friend...

Someone to do stuff with when DH goes fishing.

Someone to call and tell about my crappy day.

Someone to care and worry and wonder about how we're doing with IF.

Someone who isn't self-centered and actually asks about how my life is going once in a while.


Is that too much to ask??

TMI

The lovely leakage and spotting from the HSG comes and goes, but man is the stuff that comes out gross!!!!

Eww!

Hope this goes away by tomorrow.

HSG

Well, it was...interesting. Definitely would not describe it as fun.

In the morning I was so nervous/terrified, it was all I could do not to get sick before we left. I was a big girl though, and did not lose my breakfast (which was Doxycyc. and some crackers).

When we got to the hospital, I was super nervous and even more nervous when they said that DH had to stay in the waiting room. There were two nurses when I got into the radiology room. They were both super nice and supportive. I had my own private restroom to change and get ready in. When I came out, the blonde nurse went through the whole procedure with me. I asked her about pain, and she was honest. She said it was something like menstrual cramps but worse.

Both nurses helped me onto the raised table and we took a practice picture. That was kind of cool because I could see my pelvis and spine (I've got this thing about internal pictures...I think it's kind of neat). Then the doctor came out. One nurse assisted him while the other talked to me and held my hand.

They inserted the speculum and cleaned me. Then he inserted the catheter. He said I was having a small cramp (I guess he could see my cervix cramping?) but I really only felt pressure. It was kind of weird. It didn't hurt, but I could definitely tell something was in there.

Then he started to inject the dye. At first I could feel the dye but didn't have any cramps. However, as he started to add more dye I did start to cramp. Then the cramps got stronger and closer together as even more dye was added. They moved the x-ray over and started taking pictures. I grabbed the sides of the table and said "Oww" a lot. It started getting really bad at the end. I had a huge, long cramp that made me nauseous. Just when I thought I just couldn't do it and was about to cry, he stopped injecting the dye. We took one last picture (I had to wiggle my hips a little before this one to get the dye to fall through one tube) and then removed the catheter (which I didn't feel at all).

The nurses told me just to lie there for a few minutes and let the pain/pressure subside. The doctor told me everything looked great. As I was resting, the nurse and I discussed my x-ray that they had left on the screen for me to look at.



In summary: It was bad, but not in the horrible way I had thought it would be. I would definitely recommend that everyone who has one makes sure they urinate first, because I don't think bladder control would be working with all the cramps I had. Take painkillers before. They won't necessarily help with the cramping during the procedure, but will definitely lessen the discomfort afterwards.

It's been about five hours since mine and what I feel now is this burning sensation in my very unhappy tubes. It's not debilitating, just uncomfortable, and a little weird.

Hilarity and nervousness all in one

Well, yesterday just made me giggle. I went into the lab to give a urine sample for an hcg test. They want to make sure I'm not pregnant before my HSG. So I had waited to use the restroom for several hours so I would actually need to go. Well, I think I waited a little too long, because by the time I got to the lab I was practically dancing around in the lobby.

So I get into the restroom to do my thing...and lets just say I ended up with as much in the cup as on the cup and my hand. It was gross but I couldn't help but laugh a little at the absurdity of it all. Here I had waited hours because I was concerned I would have a problem giving them a sample and that obviously wasn't the case. I don't know...maybe you had to be there.



On another note...HSG tomorrow. Nervous but trying not to think about it. I started taking my antibiotics this morning. Man do these pills have like a million things you are not supposed to eat or do when taking them. There were so many warning labels they had to print out two pages to give to me because they couldn't put them all on the bottle. But, it is definitely better than getting an infection from the procedure.

Wish me luck.

The little things

I'm trying to find happiness in the little things as this ever so crappy 2007 winds down.

Having an excuse to put the peddle to the floor to get the car up to speed on an on-ramp...that's pretty fun.

My DH waking me up this morning by stroking my hair and looking lovingly at me...that was freakin' awesome.

Christmas lights...those are good.

Finding faith in the small things...that's keeping my head above water.


I'm hoping that if I keep looking for the little things, I won't let my fears about my upcoming HSG overwhelming me. For now, it's moment by moment.

Follow-up on RE appointment

Well, it was interesting. As far as medical information and knowledge, it was a complete waste of time for DH and I. We knew all the basic information they presented. What totally blew me out of the water was that many other other couples in the room had no idea what the nurse was talking about. She even had to pass around an OPK to educate people in the room. DH and I just looked at each other like "You've got to be kidding me."

Thankfully, I still felt like we were given individualized treatment. Our packet was missing some paperwork that everyone else's had...because we have already completed about half of the testing the RE requires to get started. It made me feel good that my OB had started us on this road and that the staff of the RE had taken the time to make sure and check. However, it was also shocking to realize that no one else in the room had gone through any preliminary testing.

So now we wait a little longer, until I'm in the right part of my cycle for a little more blood work and an HSG (which I'm terrified about). However, my body, as always, likes to through a curve ball at me every month, and I haven't ovulated. Ah, the saga continues.

RE tomorrow

First RE appointment is tomorrow. A two hour introductory appointment with about 15 other couples.

Even though I know we will simply be talking and getting information, I'm still nervous.

When...

When is life going to stop crapping on me?

DH's grandmother dies, then he gets the flu.

Our friends are being self-absorbed and rude.

I'm apparently failing to ovulate this cycle.

And of course, there is the ever present concept of IF in general.

When is it my turn for life to be better?? Cause I don't know how much more patience and understand I have left.

Update

Not much to say really, but I don't like going more than a few days without posting something.

DH's grandma's funeral is tomorrow morning. It's a graveside service...I've never been to one of those before, so I'm not sure how I will react.

It's seems kind of ironic that I am only a day or two away from ovulating but tomorrow we're putting someone to rest. It seems so cyclical. Someone passes on but someone else has the chance at starting new life (even if it is a small chance). What a kicker that would be...to get pregnant this cycle. It would almost seem like a gift to the family to help fill the recent void.

See, but now I'm getting too hopeful, which is always a bad sign.

I'm growing

I was able to do something today that I have not done before.

I was able to be extremely happy for someone when they became pregnant. I mean really, truly, smiley, tell my husband about it kind of happy...for the first time since this IF journey.

Also, CBEFM gave me a high today, so ovulation is imminent.

In the world of IF, today is a good day.

Feeling better

Today is better. Conferences are over and we were able to go home early to start the three day weekend. DH was out fishing all day into the early evening, but I was fine with that. I feel uplifted for an unknown reason. Maybe its that nice calm feeling after a day of storm.

Chart-wise, I have no freakin' clue what is going on. If you were to look at it, it would almost appear that I ovulated on CD 8 or 9, which I'm hoping is not the case. It has NEVER been that early before, so lets just hope today's temp. was a fluke.

Here's the link if you want to stalk. My chart.

Sometimes life just sucks

We had an extremely tense staff meeting this morning that ruffled a lot of feathers.

At conferences, a parent threatened bodily harm on one of our staff.

Later on, another parent decides to tell me how her current unwanted pregnancy almost ruined her marriage (in front of her other child, no less).

After work, my DH calls to come to the convalescent home because his grandmother is on the verge of death.

Does it just say whammy on my forehead or something?

RE appointment

The RE called the house today (for the first time!!!) and left a message. We have a group orientation on the 2oth. Emotions are mixed. I'm excited that we're moving forward and incredibly nervous at the same time. I want to meet others who face the same struggles we do, but that seems strange too. I am extremely happy that our appointment is so soon. I was afraid they would get our paperwork and we would have to wait a month or so for an appointment.

I still kind of have that empty feeling I talked about before, where I just don't seem to feel anything. Still not sure what that is.

We're having parent/teacher conferences this week which just reminds me even more how badly I want to have my own child to go to conferences for. My students are like my children, but in such a limited way.

I want a baby.

Dream

Last night I had weird dreams related to IF. I can remember being in some kind of surgical room imagining that I was having some kind of egg retrieval. I remember the nurse saying I had fifty eggs!! (wishful thinking, I know). I was strange. I think at some point I dreamt that I had just found out we were pregnant. I've had those types of dreams before, but not since about nine months into our journey.

If I examine my feelings today, there really aren't any. I'm not anxious, I'm not depressed, hopeful, anything really. It's not an empty feeling, it's just there are no feelings there. I don't know if I'm repressing something or that I worked out all of those feelings in my dreams.

I do feel one thing, and that is frustration. I find myself ovulating the last few months with last month having some awesome timing, and yet nothing comes of it. It's so freakin' frustrating!!! The clinic received our paperwork on Wednesday and it's torture waiting for them to call to make an appointment.

I've done everything I can and now I'm forced to wait on others, who I feel certain do not take this as seriously as I do.

Decision

I'm not sure why it took me so long to create one of these. I had thought for awhile that I might want to record this IF journey so that when my children ask about it, I will be able to recall glowing and bright details. Then, the thought of being childless squelched that for awhile. I've decided I need an outlet for my frustration, fear and fading hope.

I know that I am better off than so many others and yet that doesn't seem to make me feel any better or feel "lucky" to not share some of the sadder and less-likely stories I've encountered. This makes me feel bad or over dramatic. Like I should suck it up, because "it could always be worse." I don't know how to combat that feeling.

I also feel like this may be a cry for attention, even if it is from people whom I will never meet or even talk to. I want attention, but anonymously. I don't want attention from those whom I work with or am even good friends with. I vacillate constantly about which people, if anyone, should know. I'm afraid...I'm afraid that they will not take this as seriously as I do, and if they don't that means that I'm just being silly about the whole thing. I don't know how to cope.

Maybe this is me, coping. Maybe writing is supposed to be my outlet. My friend in this storm. That seems sad, too.

But whatever this is...here I am.