Bun in the oven!

2009-04-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a long time, but baby Curtis is here! He was born one day before his due date on April 19th, weighing 7 lbs 3 ozs and 20 1/2 inches long. I'll post a full birth story later, just wanted to let all of you know.

Here's a picture of our prince!

Things are good

2009-02-08T10:43:00.000-08:00

Things are going well. Had my 28 week appointment last Thursday. I passed my Gd test with flying colors, which wasn't unexpected, but nice to hear. Doctor said that baby and mommmy are happy and healthy.

The weekend after valentine's day we'll (well mostly DH) start changing our computer room into the baby's new home.

That's about it. Not much else to report.

I'm a bad blogger

2009-01-11T22:01:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. I haven't been on here in ages. Since I only have three months before I go on leave, I have a huge amount of stuff at work to get done before then.

Curtis John is great (that's the name we chose). He kicks every day. DH finally felt him kick last Saturday (January 3rd) and saw him kick me on Wednesday (January 7th). We went to get a 3D ultrasound on Saturday and were a little disappointed. The pictures were not as clear as we had hoped, but my anterior placenta may be the reason.

DH and I have been getting lots of practice taking care of babies. His cousin had identical twins in September, 12 weeks early. They've been home for awhile and we spent every Saturday at the house, hanging out with the parents and changing diapers, feeding, dressing, and general baby care. I like it...it makes me feel like I might actually know what I'm doing when the time comes.

I will try to be better in updating, as it is getting rather close to the end of this wonderful pregnancy.

We found out...

2008-11-26T13:59:00.000-08:00

we're having a BOY! No doubt about it.

I think being a mom has finally hit me. Suddenly I have a son to start thinking about. All the responsibilities, the hurdles and triumphs he will have in his life. The wonderful things his father will be able to teach him. I wonder if he will get his father's wide chest and solid frame. Whose nose will he have? It's so crazy.

Also, I've been feeling the baby move since November 16th, which is freakin' awesome. He is very active most of the time. Now I can't wait until it gets strong enough for DH to feel.

Big U/S on Nov 25

2008-11-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

Just before Thanksgiving, which is perfect. I'll be able to let work know just before going on vacation.

We did get a chance to see the baby today. She couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler, so we got a bonus sono. Baby was kicking! I don't think he/she likes the sonograms so much. It's amazing how much the baby has grown in six weeks.

Now there is just the wait until the 25th...three weeks.

Still living, breathing, and growing

2008-10-22T20:30:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update. Things are still great. Outgrew my first set of maternity pants and had to go shopping this weekend for more. I'm at that fat lady stage. Looking forward to the time when I actually look pregnant.

Our next appointment is Nov. 4th and hopefully we will find out the gender of our little one.

I'm here, I swear.

2008-10-06T18:54:00.000-07:00

Everything's fine, honest. Just life and work happens...and naps happen. Oh my god the napping that has gone on is insane. It's amazing I'm conscious right now.

Had our third ultrasound about two weeks ago. Baby was bouncing around having a grand time. We saw arms, legs and eye sockets plus a beautiful heartbeat. Also found out my bladder was growing some seriously strange bacteria and went on cipro for 5 days (just did the follow up test today, hopefully it's gone).

On Sunday I had my first dehydration cramps...didn't have any water until lunch and apparently baby does not like that. Everything was fine once I downed two glasses of water at the restaurant.

As far as showing...nothing the general public would notice but I can notice something in the mirror in the evening when I strip down for bed.

Being spoiled by frequent ultrasounds is now driving me nuts. I can't believe I have to wait four more weeks to know that everything is okay in there. I just keep telling myself no bleeding=happy baby. It's freakin' hard!

Also, my parents gave us the money to purchase our dream stroller. Brand new they cost upwards of 800, but we found one on craigslist in practically new condition for 200. They're made in Europe. It starts out as a bassinet and then has a toddler seat that clips on after you remove the bassinet and the seat is good up to 75 lbs. It's freakin' gorgeous. Here's a picture of it with the bassinet.

I will try to update more often.

A much-needed update

2008-09-14T17:19:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the long silence. Our internet is down and there is only random times where I can get any signal. I happened to catch it at a good time.

Everything with the baby is great. We graduated from the RE on Wednesday. It was almost sad going around and saying goodbye to everyone, and then leaving, knowing we would not be back until we wanted another child.

DH has been super cute. I did some extra work at work on Saturday, and came home to a completely spotless house, including clean dishes (and he HATES doing dishes)! And, on the way home from work the other day he picked up some baby name books. It's so cute!

Here's the latest pic of the baby. At 8 wks and 2 dys.

Introducing Baby H

2008-09-03T14:24:00.001-07:00

We had our first ultrasound today at 7wks 2dys and everything looked wonderful! We have one lovely growing little one in there with a great, strong heartbeat! Our RE is spoiling us with another ultrasound next Wednesday too.

Without further ado, here he or she is! (follow the arrow. Baby is between the two white plus signs)

3rd Beta in

2008-08-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

and it's 4,848! Woohoo!

We are so pregnant.

:-)

5 week mark

2008-08-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

So, things are going well. I'm anxious for my follow up beta on Thursday (19dp5dt), just because it is nice to have the reassurance that everything is going the way it should.

Symptom wise, each day varies. I've had a fair share of headaches; still broken out like crazy on my chin; and OMG the bloat!! I wore my loosest pair of jeans to dinner with my parents on Saturday and was so bloated by the end that I actually bruised the area above my belly button. My abs are still sore! So I moved onto elastic waiste capris and jogging pants (on vacation, thankfully). I'm still trying to figure out my wardrobe when my month of vaca is over (year round is a wonderful thing).

I'll update on Friday once I get the beta results. First u/s is scheduled for Wed., Sept. 3rd (can't wait!!).

On the puppy front, we did finally name him...Banjo!

New puppy!

2008-08-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

He doesn't quite have a name yet, but here he is!

We doubled!

2008-08-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

Got the best phone call from one of the nurses today. Our second beta came back at...88! We more than doubled, woohoo!!!

Now that I'm pregnant, all meds are covered, so the clinic is ordering more estradiol and prog. in oil w/ syringes and it's covered under insurance!!

I will have one more beta in ten days and then we get to see our little one (or ones) on September 3rd.

I finally feel just purely happy, without a nagging little voice. I allowed myself to go out and get a pregnancy book (Your Pregnancy, Week by Week).

And, to top everything off, we are getting a new dog tomorrow. A beautiful beagle from our local shelter. He is too precious!

Guess What?

2008-08-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

We're pregnant!!!

At 7dp5dt we have a beta of..................41!!!

I can't even describe how wonderful this is...what a blessing!

And thank you to all of you for supporting me and keeping me going.

2 made it to freeze

2008-08-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

Which I'm happy with. They only freeze top quality embryos, so the odds of both thawing well are good.

What's killing me is waiting for Saturday and my beta. I know it's only like 3 days away, but right now it's like waiting a year.

Keep everything crossed and pray to whomever you believe in for Saturday to be a good phone call and not a bad phone call.

bedrest city

2008-08-02T12:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back from the egg transfer. Dr. Vu told us that we have three Grade 1A blastocysts and a few that may become blastocysts in 24 to 48 hours. We put back two and asked them to culture out the slow starters a few more days.

It was such an emotional moment seeing that little blip of movement on the sonogram as he released the fluid and eggs into my uterus. DH squeezed my hand as I cried. What an amazing moment.

On the ride home I rode reclined, which led to mostly sleeping on the way home too.

DH has been super cute and protective. He rubbed my belly on the way home; wouldn't even let me carry my purse; and has given me a sweet setup in the bedroom complete with laptop and snacks.

I'm so lucky.

Snuggle in embies, we love you so much already.

5 day transfer

2008-07-31T23:06:00.001-07:00

That's right. On Saturday at 8:45 am we get to meet our embabies. So excited...so freakin' excited!!

ER and fert report

2008-07-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

ER itself went fine. The last thing I remember is them putting my oxygen mask on and then next they were asking me to shimmy my hiney onto the bed. As soon as they wheeled me out, I started cramping. My body was definitely not pleased with getting everything sucked out of it. I was extremely uncomfortable for about 12 hours, but as it came toward bedtime, things got better. Let me tell you though, using the restroom...not fun.

Today is much better. I did stay home again today (which was good, still sore), and just heard my fert report.

Out of 19 eggs, 18 were mature. All 18 were ICSI'd, and 13 are up and growing.

13 embabies...13 babies...13 possible children sitting in a little dish in an incubator, just waiting for their parents.

God, I can't wait.

They will call tomorrow or Thursday morning and tell me if it will be 3 day or a 5 day transfer (right now, it looks like 5).

I can't wait to be a mom.

Last follie scan-ER monday

2008-07-26T19:58:00.001-07:00

So we trigger tonight. Dr. Vu has me stim for one more day and we went in this morning. We have nine on the left and 12 on the right all at 18mm or more. I'm excited that we have so many but nervous about ER.

I really trust Dr. Vu and his staff. I know it will work out.

First follie scan

2008-07-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

We are happy campers so far. We are on day six of stims and so far I have 12 follicles at 10-11mm on my right side and 13 follicles at 10-11mm on my left side.

Holy follicles, batman!

We're so freakin' excited.

Next scan is Wednesday.

Started Stims today

2008-07-16T11:37:00.001-07:00

This morning I went in for my baseline ultrasound and E2. One of the nurses was nice enough to administer my follistim for me (DH normally does all my injections). It feels really good to get into the real meat of this process now. Dr. Vu believes we might break 30 on the number of eggs at retrieval. I know they will not all be mature and not all of them will fertilize. However, if we can get a third of those to divide properly, I would be thrilled. We would have two put back in and freeze the other eight, with the hope that four would survive the next defrost.

BTW, looooooooove the follistim needles. I didn't even know anything went in. Freakin' awesome.

"I love Mommy" Onesie

2008-07-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

That's what DH presented to me for our 3rd anniversary. We were in front of the fountains at the Bellagio in Vegas and he pulled out a bracelet jewelry box. I opened it and there was this adorable green onesie with the words "I love Mommy" on it. I fell apart and sobbed into his shoulder. I was so touched. He is so wonderful.

Quick update

2008-07-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

I have much to tell, especially about what wonderful DH gave me for our 3 year anniversary, but I don't have the time at the moment.

I did want to mark this day, because today we administered our first injection at home (lupron, of course).

Easy, cheesy. Just a pinch and we were done. DH is awesome at administering the injections. I'm so lucky.

Here they are...

2008-06-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

It was so overwhelming. We both sat there checking the order as tears streamed down my face. I'm not scared, it's just surreal. I mean, we're staring at $3,000 in medication that we will be administering at home with the hopes of conceiving children. Unbelievable. Now, it's all packed away. The refridged stuff has it's own crisper in the fridge and the rest resides in the foam cooler it came in.

Off and running

2008-06-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

Hysteroscopy was freakin' awesome! Nothing like my HSG at all. There were a few times where I was uncomfortable, but being able to see my uterus on the television and listening to Dr. Vu explain the anatomy to me made it hard to focus on the discomfort. Everything looks great in there.

The internal ultrasound was awesome because my RE was quite excited...there are at least 13-15 follicles in each ovary!! Woo hoo!

After all of this, we received our protocol. Here is it what I'm currently pricing:

Leuprolide 2.8 ml 2 week kit
Follistim AQ 75 ml vial
Follistim 600iu pen
Follistim 900 iu pen (2 of them!)
Ovidrel 250 mcg
Menopur 75 iu vial (15 of them, freakin yikes!!!)

We received our schedule too. I start Lupron on July 6th, stims on July 16th, ER on July 28th and ET on August 2nd.

Oh, and BTW I AM SO FREAKIN' EXCITED!!!!

Started BCP and Hysteroscopy nervousness

2008-06-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

Well, BCPs started on Friday, so we really have jumped into the IVF process. On Wednesday I have a mock transfer and follicle count, and I'm assuming we'll be told what medications to order then.

However, I found out today that I'm also scheduled for a hysteroscopy on Wednesday. Mmmm...not so keen about that, since my HSG was super not fun. I'm hoping some of my TTC blogger buddies can help me out with what to expect, cause I'm a nervous nelly over here.

So ladies, lets hear it. What am I in for?

"Why don't you just get dogs?"

2008-06-02T21:28:00.000-07:00

A direct quote from one of my male coworkers when I told my colleagues about our IF.

Unfreakin' believable.

First Clinic appointment and schedule

2008-05-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

So, I totally love our RE (Dr. Vu). He is super humorous. He says we're the kind of patients that make the clinic look good (Yay!). Our case manager is super nice and everyone at the clinic really goes out of their way to make you feel important and special (Kaiser in Sacramento). Pricing is actually pretty darn good. Grand total, we will probably shell out about 13,000. Also, long-term embryo storage is really affordable, so on the whole we are really, really pleased.

Scheduling wise, we will start BCP in mid-June (at the start of my next cycle). Then stimming will start in July. Retrieval will happen sometime during the last two weeks of July (they will put me out...thank goodness). RE says we will probably go for a 5 day transfer. Beta #1 will probably be mid August.

I'm excited and scared all in one...but focusing on the prize...a child.

IVF it is

2008-05-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

Testing came back and DH's numbers actually fell. So, with the failure of his Clomid regiment for three months, we are onto IVF.

Our first appointment with the IVF RE is May 19th.

Right now, I don't think about it much. I'm not a big fan of the whole injection concept, so I try not to dwell on it. The last thing I need to do is get all psyched out about a few tiny needles.

I am, however, bolstered by the recent success of a few of my blogmates. Maybe I will be joining them soon.

Tick tock

2008-04-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

Time is rapidly closing. I'm not sure how I feel about IVF. I haven't really been thinking about it; holding out hope that we won't have to take that step.

Our funding has come through; more than we actually thought we would accrue, so we will be able to afford at least a few rounds of IVF.

The sun has yet to come out and shine life-wise, but we're holding our heads down and trudging through. We'll get there...it would just be nice if it was soon.

Patience is obviously not one of my virtues.

Tagged by a friend

2008-04-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

A wonderful blogmate tagged me to share seven unusual things about me.

1. I pick at my fingers. Disgusting I know. Mostly it is just my thumbs and only when I feel stress or boredom. It’s a leftover vice from when I used to bite my fingernails (I stopped that when James put an engagement ring on my finger. I thought such a beautiful thing deserved a hand with nice-looking nails). It actually runs in the family. My aunt still bites hers and my mom used to until she was engaged as well. Weird how things travel down through the genes.

2. I acquired a weird fear for about two years after the drunk driving accident. I was unable to sleep in houses that were not my own. I would get visibly scared. Even at home, I had to sleep with the light on. It was like I became afraid of the dark. My brain had convinced itself that if I could get hit be a drunk driver, anything else could get me as well. By grad school I overcame it.

3. I am an only child, which means I suffer from space issues. One of my best friends at work is a Special Ed. teacher and she always gives me a bad time about my space issue. I tend to take up as much as three regular person spaces at the lunch table. I just don’t think about it when I lay out my things. I think it’s because I never had to make room for a sibling. It’s really kind of funny.

4. I hate clutter but also dislike cleaning. I will find it hard to work in a room that is incredibly cluttered but tend to not find the motivation to take care of the clutter. Then, when I finally do clean up, I feel great, but forget that nice feeling the next time I need to clean. It’s a vicious cycle.

5. I am perpetually subconsciously concerned that I will mis-set my alarm clock and wake up late for work. This has never actually happened, but is something I worry about.

6. If I did not have my lovely husband, it is possible I would turn into the cat lady. A crazy one, no doubt.

7. When I was little I could not watch the "Ghost Busters" movie because I was afraid the cement devil dog from the roof would burst through my bedroom window and eat me.

Hope you enjoyed this glimpse into my insanity.

T-minus three weeks and counting...

2008-03-27T11:50:00.000-07:00

In about three weeks DH has his follow-up SA and then we know. If his numbers are 10 mil. or more, we move onto IUI with clomid. If his numbers are less than 10, we are looking at jumping into IVF.

God has provided funding for our baby. Between gifts, taxes, and the sale of some possessions, we will be able to do IVF.

Just three weeks to go...

The waiting journey is ending...

2008-03-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

Well, the "break" is almost over. The IF talk has slowly seeped it's way back into casual conversation between DH and I. Now there's money concerns and discussion about possible clinics. The SART data was posted this week, so I've been comparing all the local clinics. I leaning in one direction, but will really have to sit down with DH and look at all the numbers.

Life's lemons are slowing. The memorial for mom's BFF was good. Sad and hard, but cathartic. I threw out my back, which sucks, but I'm starting to feel better. Vacation starts on Friday (one month; thank goodness for year-round education).

DH's cousin is pregnant with an "unplanned" pregnancy. I'm actually quite happy for them. They're both in their late 30's. They adopted after three unexplained miscarriages and then carried a beautiful little girl to term. Now I'm praying for them that this one sticks too. They've gone through enough loss.

Our stressful in-law family situation is starting to simmer down. I'm still not pleased with them, but am not outright enraged anymore.

Things are starting to look up.

sigh

2008-03-09T22:58:00.001-07:00

I need to be pregnant.

Well, Crap

2008-03-02T22:14:00.001-08:00

Mom's best friend of 13 years passed yesterday afternoon. The whole family is suffering. I miss her at random moments, like today at the market when we were looking at the flowers.

Our in-laws have caused a huge family rift that might never be mended. It's awful.

And, of course, there is IF.

I want things to get better.

I'm tired of lemons.

Update

2008-02-21T16:17:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile, and I do apologize for that. Things have been hectic.

Report cards were due, so there is always a big push to complete all of their writing proficiencies and grade them.

My mom's best friend has terminal brain cancer. They've give her at most six months to live. She's already at the point where she does not know who anyone is and can only say words over and over again. It's awful. She's only 37 with two little girls and a loving family. She's even a fellow TTTCer (she needed assistance with her second child). It's really tearing up my parents.

DH was sick with a bad cold, and now I'm just getting over one as well.

We are now digging ourselves out of the pile. We're content, just busy.

Better now

2008-02-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

After two days of talking and crying, things are better.

I will live.

TTTC sister, I shall email you tomorrow.

...

2008-02-06T18:51:00.000-08:00

I am not myself anymore. I am an angry, bitter, quick to lash out, depressed human being...and it scares the crap out of me. I have no one to talk to. I want to be happy again. I want to be me again.

Help.

Not Actively Trying

2008-01-31T21:01:00.000-08:00

but not preventing...I think I'm okay with that. I think we both needed a little break.

DH clomid protocol ends in April. Then we'll see.

No IVF Coverage

2008-01-23T16:41:00.001-08:00

Not that it's a surprise, but we don't have IVF coverage. It just sucks that we have to worry about paying to HAVE a child. I still don't understand the rhyme or reason of it. The crack fiend and whore on the corner can produce like crazy, but here we are, decent, taxing paying people and we have to pay to put our stuff in a dish and create some life.

What world is this?

Coverage mumbo jumbo

2008-01-18T16:53:00.000-08:00

Why can't they just put includes or excludes IVF in the coverage manual? Seriously, it would make my life so much easier than this legalese crap I'm reading.

The way I read it, it covers all procedures and diagnostic related to "involuntary infertility" which to me would include IVF. However, you never know how to take what these things say.

I've contacted member services...lets hope I hear from them soon (and they can actually give me a yes or no answer).

Hard road ahead

2008-01-14T18:17:00.000-08:00

Well, we went to the RE today.

I've been spotting for a few days, but my ultrasound showed follicles but nothing dominant. Also, my lining is only at ten, which the doctor said was thin, so probably not AF either. He ordered me a prescription of Provera which I will pick up tomorrow. Also, we now know I definitely have PCOS, so yay for having that cleared up. But I don't start treatment because....

DH's count is too low for IUI, so there is no point in me going through the medication. The RE prescribed a higher dosage of Clomid for him, but in his professional opinion, the drugs will have little to no effect.

We are left with IVF w/ ICSI as our most viable option.

We are going to take a break for three months while we wait for the Clomid to most likely not work.

Tomorrow's the big day

2008-01-13T19:36:00.000-08:00

Well, it's finally here. After numerous OB appointments, the urologist, and lots of blood work, tomorrow we get to know what this all points towards.

We will meet with the RE, get an internal ultrasound (shouldn't I at least get dinner first?) and have a plan...an actual, honest-to-goodness, here is what we do next kind of plan...I'm nervous (don't want to have to do injectables, but I'm ready for anything) and excited, and a little scared (what if he says our chances are like, nada?).

On a less than stellar note, I haven't gone in for urine HPT because I'm spotting again. My body hasn't decided if this is going to turn into AF or not. However, it is slightly embarrassing, because things will be a little messy for the RE. I know he does things like this all the time, but that doesn't help.

Uterus revolt

2008-01-08T17:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I tested...bfn.

It's hard because I could tell even my DH was hopeful. He actually woke up and went to ask me while I was in the shower. Usually I just wake him and tell him the results before I leave for work.

It's just not fair. You're taught that if your period is late you are mostly like pregnant. It's practically ingrained into you and yet...here we are.

Dear Uterus,

2008-01-07T17:23:00.000-08:00

I know you don't like me. I know we're not even really on speaking terms, but this is just too much. Here we are at CD 39 and AF has not decided to show. Tomorrow morning I'm going to take an HPT and, Uterus, it would really be nice if you could cooperate with this.

I mean, at this point, with everything being so late, if you give me a negative...well than f#$% you too.

Day 35

2008-01-03T21:26:00.000-08:00

CD 35 and no sign of AF. I've had lots of CM for over a week now. Two weeks ago tomorrow I had b/w and my progesterone was .7.

I don't know what to think but optimism is again creeping back in.

If no AF by Monday, I'm testing.

God, please don't let my body hate me so much to fake me out this much.

The un-reality of television

2007-12-29T20:14:00.000-08:00

We were watching Fraiser on the Tivo and came across the episode where Niles and Daphne decide to start trying. Niles tells her that he might have another child because he once donated at a sperm bank. When he goes to the sperm bank, he finds that his sample was discarded due to extremely low motility.

That evening he tells Daphne that they may not be able to conceive a child. She's all okay with it and says that there are lots of things medicine can do for infertile couples (way to optimistic and easygoing of a response, but this is not my issue). She then pulls out an OPK and tells Niles that she's ovulating. On their way up the stairs, Niles realizes that she took an HPT instead of an OPK and they're pregnant.

Yeah right.

Whatever.

General Update

2007-12-26T12:09:00.000-08:00

Well, the spotting I experienced was not implantation spotting (which I knew was the case) because my progesterone is only 0.7, which means no ovulation has taken place. My monitor told me I didn't ovulate either, but since I didn't temp this month, it was nice to have medical proof.

Our next appointment is Jan. 14th. I'll have an internal ultrasound and then the doctor will discuss with DH and I our treatment options.

Christmas was good. My parents were very generous with the presents to DH and myself. This weekend we go out of town to pick up DH's Christmas present from me, a camping trailer for us to use as the new camping season approaches. Once we get it home and set up, I will post some pictures. This evening we pick up my present...a new office chair so I can sit in ultimate comfort while surfin' the web.

Late Merry Christmas to all those who read my thougts.

Too Optimistic

2007-12-21T23:22:00.000-08:00

I had posted a little while ago about spotting. Well, after about three days of really super light, brown spotting, it's gone.

This is a problem because now it has kindled hope for this cycle. I don't need that kind of hope. I don't need that "maybe I'm pregnant" thought that keeps sneaking into my head.

I never got a peak on my monitor, so I have no reason to expect that I ovulated at all this cycle, and yet a few days of spotting and I'm already wondering.

I need to squelch this feeling, because it will only lead to disappointment.

On a good note, last of blood work was drawn this morning (I think we're up to vial 14 now) and we have our diagnosis and treatment appointment on January 14th. Which means by February we should be on a medicated/medical intervention cycle.

2008 is our year...at least I certainly hope it is.

Sobering thought

2007-12-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

We were leaving Target this evening, when I had a realization.

I thought to myself "Maybe we'll be pregnant by next Christmas"

And then I realized I thought the same thing last Christmas...

I feel broken.

Spotting

2007-12-18T16:56:00.000-08:00

I'm spotting and I don't know why.

This is only CD 19, there should be nothing going on. Well, I haven't ovulated this cycle and probably won't, just like last cycle. I'm not ovulating right this second, because the monitor gave me my ninth high today, but no peak (which tells me from my cycle history I'm not going to ovulate this month).

I hate crap like this because then I get that little voice in my head that says..."what if you did ovulate on like cd 11 and this is implantation spotting" Like I need feckin' hope like that.

Just when you think you've come to terms with a cycle, something else has to come in just to screw with your head.

Craptastic.

Need a friend

2007-12-15T19:09:00.000-08:00

I need a friend...

Someone to do stuff with when DH goes fishing.

Someone to call and tell about my crappy day.

Someone to care and worry and wonder about how we're doing with IF.

Someone who isn't self-centered and actually asks about how my life is going once in a while.

Is that too much to ask??

TMI

2007-12-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

The lovely leakage and spotting from the HSG comes and goes, but man is the stuff that comes out gross!!!!

Eww!

Hope this goes away by tomorrow.

HSG

2007-12-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

Well, it was...interesting. Definitely would not describe it as fun.

In the morning I was so nervous/terrified, it was all I could do not to get sick before we left. I was a big girl though, and did not lose my breakfast (which was Doxycyc. and some crackers).

When we got to the hospital, I was super nervous and even more nervous when they said that DH had to stay in the waiting room. There were two nurses when I got into the radiology room. They were both super nice and supportive. I had my own private restroom to change and get ready in. When I came out, the blonde nurse went through the whole procedure with me. I asked her about pain, and she was honest. She said it was something like menstrual cramps but worse.

Both nurses helped me onto the raised table and we took a practice picture. That was kind of cool because I could see my pelvis and spine (I've got this thing about internal pictures...I think it's kind of neat). Then the doctor came out. One nurse assisted him while the other talked to me and held my hand.

They inserted the speculum and cleaned me. Then he inserted the catheter. He said I was having a small cramp (I guess he could see my cervix cramping?) but I really only felt pressure. It was kind of weird. It didn't hurt, but I could definitely tell something was in there.

Then he started to inject the dye. At first I could feel the dye but didn't have any cramps. However, as he started to add more dye I did start to cramp. Then the cramps got stronger and closer together as even more dye was added. They moved the x-ray over and started taking pictures. I grabbed the sides of the table and said "Oww" a lot. It started getting really bad at the end. I had a huge, long cramp that made me nauseous. Just when I thought I just couldn't do it and was about to cry, he stopped injecting the dye. We took one last picture (I had to wiggle my hips a little before this one to get the dye to fall through one tube) and then removed the catheter (which I didn't feel at all).

The nurses told me just to lie there for a few minutes and let the pain/pressure subside. The doctor told me everything looked great. As I was resting, the nurse and I discussed my x-ray that they had left on the screen for me to look at.

In summary: It was bad, but not in the horrible way I had thought it would be. I would definitely recommend that everyone who has one makes sure they urinate first, because I don't think bladder control would be working with all the cramps I had. Take painkillers before. They won't necessarily help with the cramping during the procedure, but will definitely lessen the discomfort afterwards.

It's been about five hours since mine and what I feel now is this burning sensation in my very unhappy tubes. It's not debilitating, just uncomfortable, and a little weird.

Hilarity and nervousness all in one

2007-12-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday just made me giggle. I went into the lab to give a urine sample for an hcg test. They want to make sure I'm not pregnant before my HSG. So I had waited to use the restroom for several hours so I would actually need to go. Well, I think I waited a little too long, because by the time I got to the lab I was practically dancing around in the lobby.

So I get into the restroom to do my thing...and lets just say I ended up with as much in the cup as on the cup and my hand. It was gross but I couldn't help but laugh a little at the absurdity of it all. Here I had waited hours because I was concerned I would have a problem giving them a sample and that obviously wasn't the case. I don't know...maybe you had to be there.

On another note...HSG tomorrow. Nervous but trying not to think about it. I started taking my antibiotics this morning. Man do these pills have like a million things you are not supposed to eat or do when taking them. There were so many warning labels they had to print out two pages to give to me because they couldn't put them all on the bottle. But, it is definitely better than getting an infection from the procedure.

Wish me luck.

The little things

2007-12-01T22:56:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to find happiness in the little things as this ever so crappy 2007 winds down.

Having an excuse to put the peddle to the floor to get the car up to speed on an on-ramp...that's pretty fun.

My DH waking me up this morning by stroking my hair and looking lovingly at me...that was freakin' awesome.

Christmas lights...those are good.

Finding faith in the small things...that's keeping my head above water.

I'm hoping that if I keep looking for the little things, I won't let my fears about my upcoming HSG overwhelming me. For now, it's moment by moment.

Follow-up on RE appointment

2007-11-26T13:16:00.001-08:00

Well, it was interesting. As far as medical information and knowledge, it was a complete waste of time for DH and I. We knew all the basic information they presented. What totally blew me out of the water was that many other other couples in the room had no idea what the nurse was talking about. She even had to pass around an OPK to educate people in the room. DH and I just looked at each other like "You've got to be kidding me."

Thankfully, I still felt like we were given individualized treatment. Our packet was missing some paperwork that everyone else's had...because we have already completed about half of the testing the RE requires to get started. It made me feel good that my OB had started us on this road and that the staff of the RE had taken the time to make sure and check. However, it was also shocking to realize that no one else in the room had gone through any preliminary testing.

So now we wait a little longer, until I'm in the right part of my cycle for a little more blood work and an HSG (which I'm terrified about). However, my body, as always, likes to through a curve ball at me every month, and I haven't ovulated. Ah, the saga continues.

RE tomorrow

2007-11-19T16:52:00.000-08:00

First RE appointment is tomorrow. A two hour introductory appointment with about 15 other couples.

Even though I know we will simply be talking and getting information, I'm still nervous.

When...

2007-11-17T14:16:00.001-08:00

When is life going to stop crapping on me?

DH's grandmother dies, then he gets the flu.

Our friends are being self-absorbed and rude.

I'm apparently failing to ovulate this cycle.

And of course, there is the ever present concept of IF in general.

When is it my turn for life to be better?? Cause I don't know how much more patience and understand I have left.

Update

2007-11-15T18:12:00.001-08:00

Not much to say really, but I don't like going more than a few days without posting something.

DH's grandma's funeral is tomorrow morning. It's a graveside service...I've never been to one of those before, so I'm not sure how I will react.

It's seems kind of ironic that I am only a day or two away from ovulating but tomorrow we're putting someone to rest. It seems so cyclical. Someone passes on but someone else has the chance at starting new life (even if it is a small chance). What a kicker that would be...to get pregnant this cycle. It would almost seem like a gift to the family to help fill the recent void.

See, but now I'm getting too hopeful, which is always a bad sign.

I'm growing

2007-11-12T13:34:00.000-08:00

I was able to do something today that I have not done before.

I was able to be extremely happy for someone when they became pregnant. I mean really, truly, smiley, tell my husband about it kind of happy...for the first time since this IF journey.

Also, CBEFM gave me a high today, so ovulation is imminent.

In the world of IF, today is a good day.

Feeling better

2007-11-09T18:49:00.000-08:00

Today is better. Conferences are over and we were able to go home early to start the three day weekend. DH was out fishing all day into the early evening, but I was fine with that. I feel uplifted for an unknown reason. Maybe its that nice calm feeling after a day of storm.

Chart-wise, I have no freakin' clue what is going on. If you were to look at it, it would almost appear that I ovulated on CD 8 or 9, which I'm hoping is not the case. It has NEVER been that early before, so lets just hope today's temp. was a fluke.

Here's the link if you want to stalk. My chart.

Sometimes life just sucks

2007-11-07T21:23:00.000-08:00

We had an extremely tense staff meeting this morning that ruffled a lot of feathers.

At conferences, a parent threatened bodily harm on one of our staff.

Later on, another parent decides to tell me how her current unwanted pregnancy almost ruined her marriage (in front of her other child, no less).

After work, my DH calls to come to the convalescent home because his grandmother is on the verge of death.

Does it just say whammy on my forehead or something?

RE appointment

2007-11-06T20:42:00.001-08:00

The RE called the house today (for the first time!!!) and left a message. We have a group orientation on the 2oth. Emotions are mixed. I'm excited that we're moving forward and incredibly nervous at the same time. I want to meet others who face the same struggles we do, but that seems strange too. I am extremely happy that our appointment is so soon. I was afraid they would get our paperwork and we would have to wait a month or so for an appointment.

I still kind of have that empty feeling I talked about before, where I just don't seem to feel anything. Still not sure what that is.

We're having parent/teacher conferences this week which just reminds me even more how badly I want to have my own child to go to conferences for. My students are like my children, but in such a limited way.

I want a baby.

Dream

2007-11-04T15:48:00.001-08:00

Last night I had weird dreams related to IF. I can remember being in some kind of surgical room imagining that I was having some kind of egg retrieval. I remember the nurse saying I had fifty eggs!! (wishful thinking, I know). I was strange. I think at some point I dreamt that I had just found out we were pregnant. I've had those types of dreams before, but not since about nine months into our journey.

If I examine my feelings today, there really aren't any. I'm not anxious, I'm not depressed, hopeful, anything really. It's not an empty feeling, it's just there are no feelings there. I don't know if I'm repressing something or that I worked out all of those feelings in my dreams.

I do feel one thing, and that is frustration. I find myself ovulating the last few months with last month having some awesome timing, and yet nothing comes of it. It's so freakin' frustrating!!! The clinic received our paperwork on Wednesday and it's torture waiting for them to call to make an appointment.

I've done everything I can and now I'm forced to wait on others, who I feel certain do not take this as seriously as I do.

Decision

2007-11-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why it took me so long to create one of these. I had thought for awhile that I might want to record this IF journey so that when my children ask about it, I will be able to recall glowing and bright details. Then, the thought of being childless squelched that for awhile. I've decided I need an outlet for my frustration, fear and fading hope.

I know that I am better off than so many others and yet that doesn't seem to make me feel any better or feel "lucky" to not share some of the sadder and less-likely stories I've encountered. This makes me feel bad or over dramatic. Like I should suck it up, because "it could always be worse." I don't know how to combat that feeling.

I also feel like this may be a cry for attention, even if it is from people whom I will never meet or even talk to. I want attention, but anonymously. I don't want attention from those whom I work with or am even good friends with. I vacillate constantly about which people, if anyone, should know. I'm afraid...I'm afraid that they will not take this as seriously as I do, and if they don't that means that I'm just being silly about the whole thing. I don't know how to cope.

Maybe this is me, coping. Maybe writing is supposed to be my outlet. My friend in this storm. That seems sad, too.

But whatever this is...here I am.